Over the Fire
by SiriuslyYours
Summary: Sequel to Sacrifice and Gain and picks up right where it left off. Building relationships in the FBI is always complicated. When one tries to build said relationship with Ryan Hardy while Joe Carroll and Lily Gray are at large, well, that's even worse. Mostly canon/episode based on season 2, but rewritten to fulfill my Hardston needs :)
1. Chapter 1: Tinder

When Mike wakes up he finds it becomes a struggle to open his eyes. His eyelids feel stuck to his skin from the tears that escaped him during the night. He hadn't slept much, but he remembers the coldness of his bad dreams was replaced by soothing words from the warm mass beside him, still holding him in his arms. When Mike does open his eyes he finds the dawn is only beginning to break. He gently turns in Ryan's arms to look at the man's face. He's still sleeping, but his grip on Mike is tight and he can't help but bury his face in the crook of Ryan's neck. The older man begins to stir, but doesn't open his eyes. He starts to run his fingers through Mike's hair, then down his back where he rubs soothing circles.

Mike is just beginning to gather the courage to kiss him again when Ryan's cellphone rings, sounding more like shrill screaming given the silence of the quiet daybreak. Ryan sighs and shifts away to pick up his phone on the nightstand.

"Hardy," he says, voice thick with early morning gruffness. A voice briefly talks back before Ryan says, "Okay. Yeah, I'll be there soon," and hangs up. He runs a hand through his hair and looks over at Mike who is watching him questioningly.

"I have to go…Mendez says they might have a lead for Joe," Ryan says, looking away from Mike before he gets up and finds his shoes.

"I'll go with you," Mike says and starts to get up.

Ryan sighs and says, "You should stay here. Be with your family."

"Why? So my brothers can come and blame me for the death of our father? Yeah, I'm really looking forward to that."

"They're not going to—"

"Yes, they are," Mike says and clenches his jaw. "You don't know my family. I have one brother that still speaks to me, but the other two hate me and I can't say I'm exactly fond of them either." He looks away, trying to blink away the threatening sting of tears behind his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Mike. You know I am, but Mendez doesn't want you back yet and I agree," Ryan says. A pained look flashes across Mike's face when he looks at Ryan, and he wishes he could take back his words, but he'll do what he must to keep Mike safe for now. Ryan knows he'll be back in the field soon, but he needs to deal with his family and the funeral first. "If you need anything, just call, but I have to go." Ryan is almost out of the bedroom door when Mike's voice makes him stop and turn around.

"You really think I can't handle myself out there?"

"You told me yourself you're ready to break, and that was before your father…I just don't think you have the right state of mind right now," Ryan says.

"Oh, right. Yeah, not in the right state of mind to make my own choices, like being with you," Mike retorts.

"That's not what I…" Ryan sighs, exasperated. "Mike, you know the most important thing right now is finding Joe, and now Lily and her psycho cult."

"I know that, Ryan! That's why I'm going too. If there's a lead for Joe, there might be one for Lily too. You can't keep me away from this. You don't have that authority over me."

"I didn't make this call! I agree with it, but I didn't make it."

"Dammit Ryan!" Mike slams his fist against the wall beside the window. "You know what it's like, when it gets personal. You know this."

"You're right I do, and just because it got personal for you now doesn't mean—"

"It's beyond that now! It got personal with Debra and now it's just escalating. Or did you forget about her in your obsession with finding Joe Carroll?"

"What? No! I'll never forgive myself for what happened to her, to Claire, to any of them! I see their faces in my dreams, Mike. Every night is just a flash of Joe's victims, like a damn movie montage."

"Then let me help you," Mike pleads, grabbing Ryan by the shoulders. Ryan stares into those too-anxious eyes.

"You will help, but not right now."

"Ryan, just—"

"Mike, I have to go," Ryan is exasperated at this point. He needs to go and find out what Mendez may know about Joe. He's not even sure if Mendez really believes him about Joe being back yet, but she knows Emma Hill is still out there and is willing to look into it. Ryan doesn't know who he can trust at the FBI anymore, but he knows he needs go, now. He turns to leave and Mike pleads his name again. Ryan turns around and though he wishes he didn't, he feels annoyed.

"Deal with your family stuff then talk to Mendez," Ryan says. As soon as the words are out of his mouth an icy feel of regret crawls its way through his body. A dark look settles across Mike's face.

"Stuff, yeah Ryan. I'll deal with my family stuff."

"I didn't mean—"

"Get out," Mike says in a tone of voice that Ryan knows he won't tell him twice. He wants to say he's sorry, but he doesn't. He just turns around and walks out the door. The next two days pass by in a blur and Mike is so busy dealing with family and funeral arrangements that he doesn't even have the time to miss Ryan. He hasn't seen him since the morning he told him to get out, and he tries not to regret speaking to Ryan like that, but he's just filled up with so much pain that adding some more guilt onto his plate hardly makes a difference. Mike knows the guilt toward his father's death is going to break him. It's inside him now, mingling with a dangerous thirst for vengeance and he wills it to stop.

He knows he can't think like that. He's a good FBI agent, but being the second youngest in his department makes it hard to quickly gain respect sometimes. If he goes back with bloodlust shining from his eyes then he knows Mendez will recommend he take more time off, and Mike just can't do that. He'll end up going rogue like Ryan did and probably get killed in the process. He tries to direct his mind from thinking about snapping Lily Gray's neck, to stop thinking about the upcoming funeral, to think about anything else really. His mind keeps wandering back to Ryan so he just lets it overcome him. There's all this history between them now, from the chase of Joe Carroll, from losing Debra and Claire…They are both broken messes of human beings, tattered at the heart and frayed in the mind. Mike lets his mind drift and is surprised to find he's reliving the day he first realized his attraction to Ryan Hardy went a bit beyond hero-worshipping.

It was the day Ryan got a call and found out his sister had been taken by a follower named Maggie. He had quickly hurried out the door and down the stairs when Mike followed him. Mike knew Jenny was Ryan's sister and that's why he followed him, offering his help, not just because Parker asked him to play the role of snitch again. He wouldn't betray Ryan. But that didn't stop Ryan from grabbing Mike and shoving him up against a wall, demanding to know if Parker knew about Jenny. They talked in hushed, angry tones until Ryan let him go and realized he could use the help of this young agent. Ryan's eyes had lowered to Mike's lips for just a second too long. People get ideas from a glance like that, and Mike had certainly gotten a few. But Ryan let him go with him, even told him he was glad he came.

They built trust, a thing that is meant to be valued. Mike is struck, seemingly out of nowhere, with the horrible thought that maybe Ryan only kissed him back that night two days ago out of some kind of pity for a friend. Once the thought planted itself in Mike's mind he couldn't shake it away. It was a seed of doubt that was growing every second. He felt sick, tired…like he really was losing his mind. Mike staggered over to his bed, crashing down onto the mattress and buried his face in his hands.

He was too tired and overwhelmed to even cry. He just let himself drown in his own gasping breaths until he was too tired to carry on. He had barely slept since the night Ryan was here. The nightmares keep getting worse. He sees flashes of his father's brutal murder again and again in his dreams. Sometimes his father is replaced by one of his brothers, even the two he hates and it still hurts to watch them having their throats cut. Last night Ryan had made a guest appearance in the dream too, and Mike had woken up trembling. He nearly called Ryan just to make sure he was alright, but he was too afraid his trembling voice would make him sound weak. He needed to pull himself together.

He finally lets sleep overcome him. Mike knows the next thing he'll have to deal with is the funeral, and he can't help but hope Ryan will be there with him. That night he dreams of kissing Ryan again. They're wearing suits of all black and Mike goes to undo the tie around Ryan's neck. Ryan grabs the tie and blindfolds Mike with it. There's a fire in the background and the flames are the raging, consuming type. Ryan tells him he's weak, that he's going to die. He tells them they're all going to die this time. The fire swallows them both.


	2. Chapter 2: Kindling

Ryan doesn't take his eyes off of Mike during the funeral. The guilt from not even speaking to him for nearly three days now is making his heart crack into painful bits. He notes the distance Mike keeps from the rest of his family, the way his three brothers stand closer together than to him, and the track of tears sliding down Mike's face.

Later Director Franklin is whisking Ryan away outside before he even gets the chance to talk to the young FBI agent. But then Mike is there when the Director leaves, demanding to know if there's information about Lily Gray. Ryan sees Max watching them from the window and his thoughts start to pull from that dark corner in his mind he's always trying to tell to shut the hell up. Thoughts that tell him Max and Mike would look good together. They're both young, beautiful people and he knows Max would be better for Mike than he ever could be…knows she's just a better person in general.

He's too obsessed with Joe Carroll and look how many people he's already got killed in the process of finding Joe the first time. The fact that he needs both of them is something he desperately tries to deny to himself. He wonders if he heeds them out of the sense of a human being needing to be close to another, to not be lost in the loneliness of the world…or if it's because they're good connections to have. When he really thinks about it he knows it's a combination of the too, but is relieved to find that his heart tells him that he really does care about these two. Max is family and he values that more than anything nowadays. There's so few of the Hardy clan left.

And Mike…well, Mike he didn't count on happening at all. He was just this kind of annoying kid that proved his worth over and over and in the process he gained Ryan's trust and became one of his only friends. He won't deny he cares for Mike, and he can't forget the way they kissed. Heat still rises to his cheeks when he thinks of the younger man on top of him, how much Mike wanted him even through the tears and heartache of losing his father. Ryan can't decide if he hopes Mike would still want him and they could actually try again, or if they were the actions of a man stricken by grief. And now Mike's falling into an obsession of his own…to get Lily Gray.

Ryan knows all too well how this has potential to destroy the agent. So they argue, and Ryan asks Mike what he's going to do if he even finds Lily.

"What are you going to do when you find Joe?" Mike retorts, eyes piercing through any clouded veil Ryan tries to hide behind. "Let me help."

The broken plea of Mike's voice makes Ryan want to wither and die, so he covers it up with a callousness he doesn't quite mean.

"You need to be with your family now, sorry man," he says, and walks away. He just leaves, without telling Mike to call him if he needs something, without at least hugging him once. Ryan's trying so hard to retain boundaries between them he barely notices how his nails are digging into his palm from the tightness of his closed fist.

When Ryan is rescued by Mike and Max he really sees how broken the young agent is. Mike snapped. He would have pummeled the doctor into an unrecognizable, bloody mess if Ryan hadn't stopped him. Later in the kitchen of the doctor's house they talk again and Ryan is expressing his concerns about Mike being involved in this.

"You don't want me to become you," Mike says. Ryan is struck by the truth of it. He knew he felt fear Mike was changing, he just hadn't quite placed that Mike was turning into him. Ryan doesn't want to be that person anymore, the one who hides behind anger, isolation, and booze. And he sure as hell never wants Mike to become that.

"My path is my path," Mike insists, stepping closer to Ryan.

"Revenge doesn't fix anything. I know," Ryan says and places his hand on Mike's shoulder. And though he tells his friend revenge isn't the answer, his heart tells him it's what they both are going to look for anyway. There is so much more to say but there never seems to be enough time. They have work to do. Starting with finding whom the compromised FBI female is the doctor spoke of.

And then the three of them are back at Ryan's and he's telling Mike to take the couch. He doesn't know if this formality comes from the fact that Max is there and he doesn't want her to know that there's something between him and Mike, or if he's just afraid himself to be alone with the other man. But then Max leaves to return to her own place and Ryan watches the way she and Mike look at each other as she tells them both her goodbyes. Max hugs them both and she's out the door. Mike walks over to the couch and collapses on it, clutching a blanket to his chest.

"Mike…" Ryan starts to say and walks over to the couch.

"I don't want to talk, Ryan. I just…want to sleep, and turn off my brain," Mike says. Ryan nods and walks over to turn off the lamp, tells the brokenhearted man in front of him to just yell if he needs anything and walks into his own bedroom. Ryan sits on his bed for about five minutes until he drives himself crazy because his brain is just chanting Mike's name over. He's too overcome with emotions to even think about gathering his courage. When he walks into the living room Mike is curled up on the catch. The streetlamps from outside shine enough light into the room for him to see Mike's eyes are still open, and the unmistakable glisten of tears stand silently on his face. He looks so sad and beautiful that Ryan just stops and forgets how to breathe, which isn't terribly wise for someone with a pacemaker.

"Mike," he whispers so softly he barely hears his own voice. Mike turns wordlessly toward him, not knowing what to expect. "Do you, I mean if you want. You can…" Ryan coughs and scratches the back of his head. "…With me."

"What?"

"You don't have to sleep alone, I mean."

"Oh. Alright." Mike follows Ryan silently into the bedroom, but stops by the door as if the realization of where he is suddenly made itself known to him. "You don't…Ryan you don't have to do this," he says.

Ryan just raises an eyebrow and carelessly shoves his jeans away before crawling onto the bed. "I'm not doing anything. I'm going to sleep." The answer is such a Ryan Hardy thing to say that Mike can't help but smile and follow him under the covers. The inches between their bodies feel like miles to Mike, and he wonders how close he can get before Ryan changes his mind about this.

Ryan is turned away from him when he asks, "So, you and Max getting along?" Mike is thrown by the question, unsure of the tone in Ryan's voice. He answers with a simple yes and Ryan goes quiet again. Mike thinks Max is great, a rare kind of human being that he is grateful to know, but she isn't Ryan. Does Ryan think…?

_Oh_, Mike's mind makes a realization and it hits him all at once that he isn't the only broken person in this bed. He turns on his side until he's facing Ryan's back and he slides closer, tentatively. He shakes his head, thinks what the hell, and throws his arm over Ryan's waist, dragging the older agent's body closer to his and pressing his forehead to Ryan's neck. Ryan's breath hitches and Mike wants to laugh at the absurdity of everything they are. These days are filled with work that obsesses them both, and he doesn't know when they'll have time to figure it out…figure out what they are and if they're going somewhere. For now though, Mike thinks he can be alright in this moment with his arm slung across Ryan's waist and Ryan's hand placed over his. The apologies they owe each other melt away, already forgiven in the way they quietly hold on to one another.

Their obsessions will drive them to madness, but maybe they'll get wrapped up in each other along the way. Mike listens to Ryan's even breathing and lets sleep overcome him.

As the two men sleep another man in a different place is plotting an obsession of his own. Joe Carroll lays awake during the late hour and thinks about the words he said to Emma, about how it is time to make the world aware he is very much alive. He wonders how it will drive Ryan Hardy crazy to see the power he still has over so many. After all, Ryan's story isn't quite over yet, is it?


	3. Chapter 3: Lighting the Match

When Ryan awakes the first thing he notices is how comfortably warm he is. As his sleep-blurred eyes adjust he can't help but smile when he sees Mike tucked against his side, arm still slung across his waist and nose buried in Ryan's neck. The younger agent is out cold, catching up on some much needed rest. Ryan stays in this moment for a few more minutes; he knows how much Mike needs a good night's sleep. He quietly untangles himself from Mike's grip.

He stays asleep even as Ryan gets up and tries to get dressed as quietly as possible. Ryan goes out for coffee, deciding he needs a walk with some fresh air and grabs three coffees in case Max stops back in this morning. He opens the door to his apartment and walks toward the kitchen. He's about to set the coffee on the counter when footsteps cause him to stop.

The next moment reveals a very shirtless Mike, clad only in a long towel, hair still wet from his shower. Ryan's brain momentarily forgets how to even remotely function because all of a sudden it occurs to him that despite that one night of heated kisses, they've never kissed again since and have only seen each other in way more clothing than Mike has on now.

Ryan wants to either leap over the damn counter and touch every inch of that beautiful boy or maybe cough, clear his throat and let Mike know he is here. But then Mike's phone rings and he's talking to his mother and Ryan feels at a loss, which is not a feeling he has often. As he watches the muscles of Mike's back Ryan realizes he feels flustered, like a teenager with a ridiculous crush and when the hell did all these emotions decide to come into play? Mike hangs up the phone, turns so his front his facing Ryan, and starts to drop his towel.

"Whoa!" Ryan says, turning around right before he sees the end result of Mike's happy trail. And damn, what right did the kid have to be that good looking with those hipbones and thighs and fuck! Ryan is losing his mind. Not a thing he can afford to do during dangerous times like these.

"Ryan!" Mike definitely says in a manly voice and not at all a shriek. "You uh, should have said something."

Ryan can hear the rustle of fabric and the metal clinging of a belt.

"Well you were on the phone and so, you know…" he trails off, daring to glance behind him. Mike's pants are on now and he's reaching toward a shirt. Ryan deems it safe enough to turn around, but he still feels heat rising in his cheeks as he watches Mike pull his shirt on.

"We're two grown men, Ryan. This shouldn't be…embarrassing," Mike says.

"Right, right," Ryan replies at a loss for words again. He's overcome by his want of this young agent. It shouldn't be so hard to take that next step forward, but it is because Mike isn't some one night stand, plus the fact that they need to be focusing on the case. Mike turns around and stares at him, he opens his mouth to say something when Max comes through the door.

"Hey, you guys ready?" She asks walking toward the counter where the coffee is.

"We have a plan?" Mike says looking at Max, afraid of what he'll see if he keeps his eyes on Ryan for too long. Ryan clears his throat, cheeks still burning slightly because his mind won't stop replaying the image of Mike almost dropping his towel right in front of him. He keeps his eyes lowered but is able to explain the plan of Max planting a trace on Mendez and then Ryan playing bad cop and straight up confronting her about getting into Debra's email. Mike nods his consent and the three of them go to set the plan in action. Max plants the trace perfectly and Ryan's heart tightens when Mike smiles and compliments her on it.

Before he can really think about that, Mendez is ditching her phone and car and he and Mike need to follow her. And then Ryan's getting hit on by a lady at the house they've followed Gina too, Mike smiles at it and gives Ryan an amused look. The woman takes Ryan to the garage and Gina's laying face down on the pavement in a pool of her own blood, but she's still alive. She's a fighter. When Ryan knows she innocent and she says Jana's name Ryan makes sure the woman takes care of Gina and he's off. Running back to the house, getting the kids out, trying to get back to Mike because Jana is dangerous and prepared to kill, as evident by Gina's bleeding body.

"Who are you?" a voice asks and then Mike finds a gun being pointed at him by a woman on the staircase. He raises his own weapon and Ryan appears from the other side of the stairs. This woman is unstable and there's nothing more dangerous than someone with nothing to lose. She looks like she wants to shoot someone, but hasn't decided which man she wants to shoot first. Then Ryan asks her where Joe Carroll is and she breaks. There's a manic laughter in her words and it makes Ryan's blood feel cold. Jana's calling Ryan out on his shit, on his utter obsession with Joe Carroll and when she asks why in this world that is shattering can he only focus on Joe Carroll, Ryan feels something in him break.

Apparently Jana is breaking too because she's got the look in her eyes again, saying nothing matters, and Ryan knows just a second too late that she's made a decision about who to shoot. He yells when she pulls the trigger against her skull. He isn't sure if he's yelling because Jana actually knew something about Joe Carroll or if maybe because there was a point to her ramblings, because buried beneath her cracked, livid eyes there was a truth that Ryan could relate to.

Later Gina whispers, "I'm sorry. I thought she was okay," to Ryan and he believes her. The look of hurt and betrayal in her eyes is practically screaming from her injured body. She's strong and he's thankful for that because she reminds him of Debra and he doesn't want to lose her too. And also like Debra, Gina has been betrayed by someone she loved, by family.

When Ryan sees Max later he hugs her silently and she goes with it. She understands this type of life and he almost wishes she didn't, that she had a safer job somewhere sunny and not full of death, but that just isn't the Hardy way. And then of course there's Mike and Ryan wants to hug him too, but then they find out Carrie is in trouble and they're speeding down the highway to get to the book signing.

"Shit," Mike mutters in the car. "…never going to end." Ryan doesn't say anything back because he's starting to agree that this chaos will never end, that even if they kill Joe and Lily and every cult member on the Earth, the ghosts in their minds and demons in their hearts will still haunt them.

Ryan's thoughts only seem confirmed when they're surrounded by dead bodies at the Cookie is shaking when she hugs Ryan, clutching to him as if he's the only stability she has. When Ryan looks over at Mike he's staring at both of them with a look in his eyes that Ryan can't quite discern, but it doesn't look like a happy one.

When they're all back at the apartment Max walks in the room quickly telling Ryan to turn on the television. Ryan knows Joe Carroll's voice immediately and his heart stops for a moment. When Joe takes off the mask he hears a gasp from behind him and isn't sure if it comes from Max or Mike. He wants to punch his fist through the television and almost does before Max lays a hand on his shoulder and he remembers that he's still fighting for her, for Mike…for Debra, Claire and everyone else who's suffered from the cult.

"We'll get him, Ryan. We will," Max says before she takes off. She hugs Ryan and says her goodbye to Mike. Mike watches her until she's out the door and then he turns on Ryan.

"You and that horrible journalist looked pretty comfortable," he says, and Ryan is caught off guard.

"Uhm, she was pretty distraught with the whole being threatened thing," Ryan retorts. There's a tension amid the two men and it's coming out as anger. They're lighting the match between them and there's no saying which direction the flames are going to take. Ryan's phone rings and he keeps eye contact with Mike as he answers it. He doesn't look at the number, which he regrets when he hears the voice on the other end is Carrie's.

"Everything ok?" he asks. "No, Carrie I don't think now's a really good time to come over…Yeah, bye." He hangs up the phone and Mike blinks at him.

"If you want to screw her again I'll leave," Mike says. His words leave Ryan feeling cold. He had told Mike about the drunken encounter once he knew Carrie was writing the book because Mike was a part of that story too. He had a right to know he might suffer because of Ryan's messed up mistakes.

"What? Mike, what is wrong with you?" Ryan's looking at Mike with raised eyebrows, trying to figure out what to do with the situation.

"Isn't that what you want?"

"No! She was a mistake," Ryan says. "A drunken mistake that I've now dragged down into the fucked up world we live in. I feel bad for her, I do. But I don't want to sleep with her again."

Mike looks at him tentatively and asks, "You sure?"

"If you don't know that by now then you're an idiot," Ryan says softly, looking at Mike and thinking, if you don't know I want you by now, you're an idiot, but he doesn't say it. Apparently he doesn't have to because in the next moment he finds himself slammed against the wall by a very eager Mike Weston. Ryan's thoughts are silenced when Mike presses their bodies together and kisses him in a hard, feral way. Ryan feels his body is being engulfed in the flames of Mike and he wants to burn in those fires, he wants to feel something besides anger and unhealthy obsession toward killers for once.

When Mike starts to unbutton Ryan's shirt and bite his lower lip, well, Ryan thinks he could get quite used to the way every inch of him is humming a tune of appreciation for what this young agent is doing to him. He places his hands on Mike's hips and pulls him against him. Mike slips his tongue into Ryan's mouth while sliding his hand up his now open shirt and Ryan is ready to fall down to the floor. There's a desperation in him to touch Mike's skin so he slides his hands under the younger man's shirt and digs his fingers into Mike's back. Mike makes a tiny breathless sound that sends Ryan's blood south and he's overcome with that feeling of want again.

He kisses Mike's obscenely perfect lips softly now, imaging those lips exploring the rest of his aching body. Mike grinds his hips into Ryan's and they both clutch onto each other and unabashedly moan at the contact. Ryan is just about ready to tackle them both to floor when Mike's phone rings.

"Ignore it," Ryan says, and Mike looks like he really wants to, but they both know if it's about the case then their duty has to come first. Mike doesn't move away from Ryan as he pulls the phone from his pocket, but when he sees the number he frowns and walks way. Ryan just stands there, hair and shirt disheveled. His body feels hot and full of need and he just wants Mike to come back here. Mike doesn't say much on the phone, but when he hangs up he gives Ryan a mournful look full of regret.

"I have to go," he sighs.

"Where? Why?" Ryan says, trying not to sound as needy as he feels, but seriously, Mike has to leave now? After they finally break the tension a bit?

"There's just something that I have to do. I'll call you tomorrow," Mike says. Ryan wants to ask more questions, but Mike just looks at him and says, "Trust me," so Ryan says, "Ok," because of course he trusts Mike. He watches the younger agent pull himself together and grab his jacket. He doesn't look behind him again when he walks out the door.

Ryan runs a hand through his hair and feels his phone start to buzz again. He looks at the screen and Carrie is calling again, but she's the last person he wants to talk to right now. He silences the call and walks toward the bedroom. He's tempted to finish what he and Mike started by himself, but then he's wondering where Mike just had to pop off to and it kills his adrenaline from being pushed against the wall and kissed like that.

Was it a family matter? If Mike was going after Lily or Joe he would have told Ryan, right? If it's not family what else could it be. Maybe he's a follower, Ryan snorts. Wouldn't that be the perfect plant? But he's seen Mike's pain and doesn't believe anyone could be that good of an actor.

Must be a family issue then, Ryan tries to comfort himself. He lays flat on his bed willing sleep to come, but his mind won't shut up and dammit, he misses Mike. What the hell is this kid doing to me? he wonders, and then finally lets the darkness of the late night overtake him.


	4. Chapter 4: Sparks

The car ride over to Claire's secret location wasn't too bad. The agent riding in the backseat with him talked to him most of the way and Mike was grateful because it meant he was distracted from his thoughts. Now, however, he's standing outside a hotel door and he knows she's on the other side. He cares about her because she was always a friend to him and she loved Ryan, probably still does, with all of her heart.

There's a blackness swimming through Mike's veins and it feels like ice, freezing his movements. He wants to give in, to drown in it and let it overtake him because it has got to be better than looking Claire in the eyes. When he opens the door and her beautiful face is looking at him with confusion and anger about Joe being alive, but with the hope he brings news of Ryan, Mike wants to throw himself out the window.

This is guilt, he realizes. The blackness he feels is a sticky kind of guilt clinging to his every movement and word because what is he going to say? Is he going to tell Claire that if he hadn't gotten the call she wanted to see him that he might still be rutting Ryan Hardy against the wall of his apartment?

Yeah fucking right, he thinks. He must have been quiet for too long because she is still staring at him expectantly he and finally says hi back to her.

"Joe's alive? What is going on?" Claire says, exasperation in her words.

"We need to move you and Joey again until we get Joe in custody," Mike says.

"No. I am not moving again, Mike. I refuse to be his victim again."

"Listen, Claire I—"

"I gave up everything! I gave up my whole entire life to protect my son and now he's still not even safe?" she says, eyes bright with the pain she's suffered. Mike sighs, thinking Claire doesn't deserve this after everything. She also doesn't deserve to have her heart broken by him and by Ryan. What a mess.

"If Joe finds out you're still alive, more innocent people are going to die, just like last year. I don't think you want to every woman named Claire Matthews to get killed again?"

"No, of course not. I'm just so tired of running,"

"We'll catch Joe," Mike assures her.

"I don't want to catch Joe. I want to kill him," she says. Mike is momentarily thrown by the cold edge to her voice, but he understands the feeling. The want of his own vengeance is still thrumming through his body.

"Believe me when I say I understand, but you have to let it go. Let it go and just concentrate on Joey," Mike says, not wanting Claire to become what he and Ryan already are…red-eyed creatures of the dark, padding madly in black thirst for revenge. Claire reminds him of Max, and they are both too bright for this world of shadows.

"I can't Mike, I can't let it go," Claire says and her voice breaks. She takes a moment to gather herself. "I want to go to New York and see Ryan."

And there it is, the push off the edge the makes Mike's stomach drop.

"You can't," he says, hoping she doesn't ask why. What's he going to say? You can't see Ryan, not like that, because I'm seeing him? Because we've kissed and I want him in every way and I'm afraid if he sees you he won't even look at me? I know your world is twisted Claire, but let me make it worse… No, he can't say those things. Not now. Not when he still isn't even sure if he means as much to Ryan as Ryan does to him. And it's not like they have a lot of time to figure that out even.

Luckily for him, Claire doesn't ask why, but before he leaves he sees the determination in her eyes and he knows she will find her way to New York. She's smart and resourceful. Joe Carroll didn't marry her just because she's pretty.

When Mike is on his way back to Ryan's apartment he has the sudden realization that his earlier felt guilt has deeper roots. His interest in Ryan was immediate from the day he met the older agent. From there interest became mutual admiration, then Mike felt his affection grow and now he knows what it's like to have Ryan's tongue in his mouth. He wants more in every sense of the word.

He doesn't just feel guilty because he wants Ryan, he feels guilty because he's in love with the man. When the cab drops Mike off he has to take five minutes to stand outside the building and calm himself down. He can't tell Ryan about Claire, but he wants to. He also wants to run the hell away from all of this, but he couldn't leave Ryan, not when they've just finally started to find each other. And of course there are the matters of Joe and Lily.

With a final sigh Mike goes up to the apartment and knocks on the door. His breath catches when Ryan opens the door and they look at each other too long because the next thing Mike hears is Max clearing her throat. He didn't even know she was there. Ryan keeps a straight face and lets Mike into the apartment. The lie comes easy, that he had to visit his mother. It was a family thing. He's had a lot of practice lying for the Witness Protection Program, but Max and Ryan are trained professionals with sharp wit and the look in both their brilliant blue eyes tell Mike that they know he isn't telling the truth. Ryan disappears into the next room and Mike's left alone with Max.

"You don't have to lie, you know," she says, sounding all too much like her uncle. "You don't have to say where you went, but you don't have to make up a lie." And then she mentions she was worried about him, that she called his mother and she's looking at him with eyes too bright. He just nods and excuses himself, walking quickly into the next room.

"Ryan," he breathes, when he's in the room alone with the older agent. Ryan is looking at him as if he can't decide which emotion to choose. There's a twitch in the corner of his lips that lets Mike know Ryan is glad to see him, but Ryan's gaze is hard and Mike knows he's curious as to where Mike had to go. Mike wants to get Ryan's mind off any suspicion so he walks over, takes Ryan's face between his hands and kisses him hard on the lips. Ryan doesn't hesitate in kissing him back and he affectionately nips Mike's lower lip before pulling away.

"There's some stuff I have to fill you in on," Ryan says. He tells Mike about his visit to Strauss's cell, how the doctor deeply unsettled him by saying Ryan essentially copied Joe's life. "He wasn't wrong, Mike. What he said…that I stole Joe's wife, wrote a book about him, became a teacher…all of it is true and I am obsessed."

"But you moved on," Mike says. "You moved past it. You didn't know he was going to come back and do this."

"I tried to move on," Ryan clarifies. "I tried and they killed Claire anyway. Joe made sure of that. And then I don't think drinking until blacking out and telling a journalist everything counts as moving on." Ryan snorts, looking away with his fists clenched. Mike takes a step forward and tilts Ryan's head up with his hand so he looks him in the eyes.

"You stopped drinking though. You got focused again. You have that clarity now, and you—"

"I what?"

"And you have me."

Ryan smiles that crooked Hardy smile and says, "Yeah, I do." He starts to lean toward Mike, but Max voice sounds from the other room.

"Ryan, it's time!"

"Time?" Mike asks.

"I had an idea…come on," Ryan says and they walk back toward the living room where Carrie Cooke is on the television. Mike is filled with annoyance upon seeing her, wondering what exactly Ryan did. He doesn't have to wait very long because Carrie starts reporting the story about Strauss's capture and his "full cooperation" with the FBI. The phone they took from Jana is ringing a few minutes later and Max brings up the trace locator. When Ryan answers Jana's phone it becomes clear that Joe's voice on the other end is getting increasingly angrier. Ryan manages to enrage Joe to the point where the man brags about his new holy army and the merry terror they will rain down.

The trace locator fails them, but they have some information now. And that information takes Mike and Ryan to the restaurant where Lance's girlfriend used to work. It doesn't take long for the action to start to happen and Ryan almost has the girl, almost has her telling everything she knows until the man she was with slits her throat. Ryan shoots him and Mike can see the anger in Ryan's eyes and feel it in every thunderous bang of the gun.

Isn't this the story of their lives? Getting so close to something only to have it taken away. Is this what his fate with Ryan is going to be, almost having him but never completely? When they get back to the apartment Max is still there and then Carrie calls Ryan again. Ryan disappears into his bedroom to talk on the phone and Mike sits defeated on the couch with a bottle of water, eyes watching Ryan until he disappears.

"Hey, I'm going to take off," Max says, gathering some files from the kitchen. She walks over to the couch and sits down next to Mike. "Try to get some sleep."

"Yeah, thanks Max. You too," Mike says, trying to smile at her.

"Does he know?" she asks.

"Does who know what?"

"Ryan, does he know how you feel about him?" she says just as Mike takes a gulp of water. He coughs and splutters.

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh please," Max says, standing up and walking toward the door. "The way you look at him is enough for anyone to notice…You should tell him. He's not quite as scary as he pretends to be," she says with a soft smile and then she's out the door. Mike coughs and curls up on the couch, deciding sleep is the way to go.

He hears Ryan walk back into the living room and hang the phone up.

"Going to sleep?" Ryan asks.

"Mmhmm," Mike says.

"Here? I mean you can uhm…" Ryan trails off and points to his bedroom.

"Really? With you?" Mike asks.

"Yes, with me…idiot," Ryan says affectionately with a small smile. When they settle down exhausted in the bed Mike curls up against Ryan, finding this routine familiar and comforting. Ryan runs his hand through Mike's hair and tells him he's always welcome to sleep with him.

"Oh I'd very much like to sleep with you, Ryan," Mike says sleepily, but in a tone that makes Ryan get a little hot under the collar and he kind of freezes. It's not that he doesn't want Mike, because wow, he really does…it's just he's never slept with another guy before and he isn't sure about all the mechanics of the whole thing.

"Not right now, Ryan. Stop thinking and go to sleep," Mike mumbles into Ryan's neck and Ryan can't help but chuckle and pull Mike closer as he closes his eyes. Mike's amused by the great Ryan Hardy's hesitations, and he chooses to focus on that rather than the guilt still lurking inside him. He knows the truth about Claire will come out to Ryan, and he knows the truth about how deep his affections go will too, but for right now he's okay and he can drift off to sleep in Ryan's arms.


	5. Chapter 5: Stirring the Flames

Mike awakes to the smell of coffee drifting from the kitchen and into the bedroom. The bed is warm and he's reluctant to uncurl himself from the sheets and blankets that smell like Ryan. He can't help but smile as he thinks of the man, and of these simple nights spent together. The guilt of Claire being alive still lingers in his belly like acid, but he pushes it away, not allowing himself to feel badly over the one thing that still makes him happy, which is of course Ryan.

He sighs and rubs his eyes before dragging himself out of the soft bed. When he walks into the kitchen he sees Ryan holding a cup of coffee and watching the news. Mike suddenly feels he should have bothered to put on pants rather than just strolling out in his t-shirt and boxers when he sees Ryan fully dressed, ready to start the day.

But then Ryan smiles at him, a full Hardy grin, and Mike melts and walks over to him. Ryan wraps a hand around Mike's waist and Mike looks at the television. A news station is interviewing Joe Carroll fan clubs, groups of people who think they are just "having a bit of fun." Ryan snorts and turns off the t.v. Mike sees him grip his coffee cup a little tighter.

"You okay?" Mike asks him.

"Yeah," Ryan says. "We have work to do." Ryan slips his arm away from Mike's waist and walks into what Mike has silently named the Joe Carroll Research Room. But now it's come to encompass Joe and Lily, along with all the other fanatics that follow both of the psychos.

Mike grabs a cup of coffee and follows Ryan into the room a few moments later. They get absorbed into their work looking at the latest leads when Ryan breaks the silence.

He looks at Mike for a moment before saying, "Are you okay?"

Mike looks up into Ryan's eyes and is taken aback for a moment at the pure concern swimming in those blue eyes. He nods his head.

"How's your family?"

"All right…well, about as all right as you can be in this situation, I guess."

"You're gonna get through this, Mike. We both are."

"How uncharacteristically optimistic of you, Ryan," Mike says and feels himself smirk.

"Hey I can be optimistic, sometimes," Ryan says and smiles back. They're looking at each other with bright eyes and small smiles, with the kind of trust one rarely finds in another human being in the perverse reality of their lives.

"So, this optimism, I wonder what's causing it?" Mike says. Ryan looks at him for a second then stands up and walks around to the side of the table where Mike is.  
"I'd say it's you," Ryan says before leaning down, taking Mike's face between his hands and kissing him gently. Mike tastes like the coffee Ryan had made, but he must have added creamer because there's a vague hint of vanilla on Mike's lips and Ryan chases it with his tongue.

Ryan feels the flames of what's between them stirring in his stomach, cascading upward toward his heart and he's filled with warmth he hasn't known in so long. Before he really realizes what he's doing, Ryan is grabbing at the material of Mike's t-shirt to haul him up from the seat. Mike stands willingly and presses his body against Ryan's. Mike feels the guilt resurface, but smothers it out. He is too overcome with want because isn't that just the most powerful motivator? This stupid human condition known as want that just drives urges up to the edge of a cliff and pushes them down without a thought of who gets hurt along the way and oh—

Ryan's knee has slid between Mike's thighs and rubbed against his growing erection. Thoughts turn to cinders and Mike just gives into the way Ryan's teeth are leaving marks along his neck, and the way Ryan is steering them back toward the bedroom, but stopping by a few walls on the way to press Mike against the flat surfaces and kiss him harder each time.

Mike feels like putty in Ryan's all too warm and talented hands. His aching need flows through every bloodstream in his body and he wants, wants, oh how much he wants this…He is thankful when his body finds the bed again because he isn't sure how much longer he could stand on his shaking legs. He leans back in the bed and when he watches Ryan crawl up to him through the spread of his legs he can't help but moan in desperation.

Ryan chuckles and says, "I wasn't even touching you that time."

"You should probably shut up and fix that," Mike says. Ryan complies by sliding his hands up Mike's shirt and along his sides. Mike leans upward and Ryan pulls off his shirt. He doesn't hesitate as he starts to leave a combination of bites and licks along Mike's collarbone, along his chest, and down his sides. Ryan is sucking on the tender skin between Mike's neck and shoulder when Mike hurriedly begins to pull Ryan's shirt off. Ryan stops his ministrations for a moment to help get rid of the shirt. Then he is running his fingers down the light dusting of hair from Mike's chest to the line of his boxers. He leaves gentle nips along Mike's hipbones before looking up to meet Mike's blue eyes, pupils blown wide.

"Ryan," he says in a voice that sounds like he is choking. "Please, just…I need you."

Ryan looks at him for a moment longer before leaning over to the bed's nightstand. Mike can't see what he's doing, but he can take a guess. A moment later Ryan is pulling Mike's boxers down and Mike hears the flick of a cap. There is a sweet smell like summer strawberries and then Mike closes his eyes as he feels Ryan's hands leaving smooth trails on his cock. There's a hesitation from Ryan to go lower, but Mike says please in the most broken voice once more and then he feels a slick finger stretching him. He moans in encouragement and Ryan seems to break through his reserve before stretching Mike more.

This stage of preparing seems to go on for so long and Mike is arching toward Ryan, not even sure of how many fingers are filling him now, but he knows he needs all of Ryan before he loses it all right now. His hands find Ryan's belt and starting undoing it before Ryan gets the hint and helps get rid of the offending jeans.

Mike opens his eyes to see Ryan staring down at him and he thinks his heart might break from the affection in those eyes. Ryan kisses him in fevered hunger before sliding back down. Mike watches Ryan apply the lube to his erect cock and he thinks this a sight he could get quite used to. But then Ryan slowly starts to enter him and he can't think any more. It's too much and not enough all at once.

"Ry…Ryan, move," Mike pants, body moving on its own accord to slide Ryan further into him. And then Ryan is kissing him again, biting his lip as he slips further into Mike and the feeling makes Mike shiver in pleasure. He spreads his legs open further and Ryan takes it as encouragement to quicken his pace. Maybe next time they'll take it slower, but right now this thing between them has been a train moving through a tunnel of darkness and they've thrown themselves on the track. They've both surrendered to their fate and it led them to being here together.

Ryan's thrusting has hit the spot inside Mike that makes him start to see a fizzing white light when he closes his eyes. Ryan is panting into his shoulder now and his moves become more frantic. He's chanting "Mike, Mike…" softly in his ear and Mike wants to freeze this moment, stay in it forever, just the two of them away from the world.

Their bodies are pressed tightly together, but Ryan still manages to find a way to slide his hand down between them and wrap his fingers around Mike's cock. He works him in time with his thrusts and Mike is almost embarrassed when he realizes those mewling sounds are coming from him. But any potential embarrassment fades away as Ryan keeps hitting that delicious place inside of him and both their bodies go tighter against one another. Mike gives into the sensation and allows it to burn brightly inside him until he's coming between their bodies. He must clench tightly around Ryan when he comes because then Ryan makes the kind of moan Mike wants to hear everyday, and Mike can actually feel Ryan come inside him. It's wet and strange and wonderful all at once.

They're both panting in jagged breaths and Ryan kisses him lightly once more before gently sliding out of him. Ryan rolls away from him, catching his breath and Mike feels the need to be close again. He's always been the type to curl up close to a lover after sex, but Ryan is more than that. Ryan occupies the space between the beats of his heart and there is a slight panic that if Ryan doesn't come here, right now, then he doesn't know what he'll do. So he reaches for Ryan and digs his nails into the sweat-slicked skin, nearly dragging the other man toward him.

Ryan startles for a moment. "Whoa, hey…hey I'm right here. I'm right here, Mike," he says softly and allows the younger man to wrap his hands around Ryan's shoulder and tuck him against his side. Mike feels foolish and young in Ryan's presence at this moment and he isn't sure why. But he runs his hands through Ryan's hair and the man practically purrs from it and the world seems all right again. It's a strange thing, Mike thinks, to be so caught up in another person and feel excited and frightened all at once. His philosophical musings die down as Ryan's breathing even outs and he rests his head on Mike's chest, eyes closed. Mike closes his eyes too, inhaling the way the air has turned into the scent of them and their shared passion before he drifts back to sleep.

It's late afternoon when Ryan's phone starts ringing, or screaming is more of what it sounds like to Ryan.

"Hardy," he says, looking over at Mike who has just started to open his eyes. "Shit…yeah, we're on our way." He clicks off the phone and says, "We're needed."

Mike nods, understanding they have to switch modes now. They dress quickly and make their way downtown to the bakery where the agent told Ryan people got slashed with knives. And then Ryan asks what hospital the victims were taken to and the investigator says Manhattan.

"That's where Luke is being held…This isn't Joe Carroll," Ryan says. He looks over at Mike whose blue eyes have clouded over in fury.

"It's Lily Gray," Mike says, voice strained in anger. They go to hospital right away and send teams to guard every entrance and exit. Ryan knows Lily Gray is smart and probably has more than one idea on how to get her twisted little kid out of there.

"Let's get the stairwells checked, you take the south ones?" Ryan says to Mike and he nods.

"Be careful, Ryan," Mike says, and though he means it Ryan can see in his eyes that Mike is beyond hurt and angry right now at the thought of Lily being close.

"You too," he says and takes off to the north part of the hospital.

Mike comes across some guards taking staff up to the floor to be checked for identification. When he tries to check the last girl's I.D. she pulls a knife on him and makes it clear she is one of Lily's.

"Where is Lily Gray?" he says, pointing his gun at her head.

"I don't talk. Ever," the girl says. "I guess you'll just have to kill me."

Mike is tempted to…tempted to silence this annoying child's arrogance, but he may be able to get information from her yet. She launches toward him with her knife and the other guards take her out. Her blood sprays the white wall of the stairwell and she's dead. Mike wants to either curl up in the corner or punch his fist through the wall. Is this the way it's always going to be? Coming so close to getting this bitch and having that chance taken away?

And then later he finds out Ryan almost got that bastard Luke, but was outdone too. They both came close to putting an end to Lily Gray, but she wins again. When Mike is sitting in the car with Ryan he feels so sick and angry he can barely speak.

"The resources she has Ryan. How are we ever going…She's more calculating than Joe Carroll. She has so little regard for human life that she would seek out a man's father and kill him. I don't understand it. I try, but I don't."

"It can't be understood...We will find them, Mike. Lily Gray and Joe Carroll, we'll get them," Ryan says.

"Yeah, I don't see it."

"Well I do. Optimism, remember? Hope." Ryan says and Mike actually smiles a tiny bit. "Then after all of this is over, you and me, we're going to have a life."

Mike looks at Ryan now, wanting to ask if he means together. Having a life together, but he can't bring himself to ask that right now.

"You know why?" Ryan continues. "The universe owes us. You understand that? Good, now let's get the hell out of here."

And when Ryan drives them back to the apartment Mike feels something between boldness and need and grabs Ryan's free hand. Ryan doesn't pull away. He just keeps his hand in Mike's until they have to get out of the car.

They walk up to Ryan's door and are maybe inside for five minutes before there's a knock on the door. Ryan opens the door and Mike's heart drops because on the other side of the door are the agents from the secret service. It's actually quite possible his heart stops altogether when he sees them. Yes, maybe his heart will stop and he can just fall over and die right here because this, oh this was not something he was prepared to deal with so soon.

Ryan just kind of stares at the agents, wondering what the hell is going on. Mike rushes over to him and lays a hand on his chest.

"Ryan, I can explain this. I'm sorry," he says in a rush and Ryan looks at him questioningly.

And then Claire appears in the doorway and Mike can feel his heart splintering into sharp pieces at the way Ryan looks at her.

"Claire," Ryan breathes out, eyes wide and disbelieving.

"Hi Ryan." 


	6. Chapter 6: Consumed

The air is heavy with its silence. The tension is suffocating and Mike thinks it's as if they are all standing around a ticking bomb, waiting for the explosion to occur.

"Ryan, I'm sorry," Mike pleads, desperate to disrupt the quiet.

"Get out now," Ryan says, and Mike feels his heart drop.

"I didn't want to keep this from you."

"Leave."

That one word makes Mike feel cold and he instantly hardens himself before the sting of tears threaten to form in his eyes. So he leaves as Ryan demands because since when would he ever refuse him anything?

And now Ryan is alone with Claire, staring at her wondering if he should laugh or cry. The kicked puppy look Mike had while leaving the apartment keeps replaying in his mind too, and this is all too much, way too damn much for Ryan to digest.

"Ryan…you okay?" Claire asks.

Silence follows her words.

"Say something," she says with wide eyes.

"There's a headstone with your name on it," Ryan says, finally finding his voice again.

"Ryan…"

"I don't understand…One call. One call and I would have joined you," he says and he knows he means it. If it had been after her fake death then he would have left everything for her…would have left Mike. But now the thing is the thought of leaving Mike sends a physical pain through him and he doesn't know what the fuck to do anymore. His life has become a damn soap opera.

"I know, I'm sorry. But the FBI needs you for this now, just as much as they always have. I couldn't be the one to take you from that," she says. Ryan doesn't know what to say again, but he makes a pathetic choking noise and then Claire is in his arms. He lets the tears fall freely now and holds onto her. He asks if she is a ghost and tells her about the times when he dreamt of saving her. He hasn't had those dreams for a while now, but right after he thought she died…all he could think about was the ways he could have saved her.

She looks like she might cry too as she reassures Ryan she is real and she is here, but she doesn't cry. He always thought she was the strong one through all of this and the determined glint in her eye when she pulls away from him reaffirms that.

"Ryan, I'm here because I know a way to lure Joe out," Claire says.

"What uhm," Ryan has to remember how to think again. "What do you mean?"

"If he thinks I'm alive it will catch him off his guard, throw him."

"No. You gave up your life to protect Joey, you can't do this. It's better to just go back to witness protection."

"Living in the shadows is no way to live," Claire says. "Until we catch him and kill him, I have no life, Ryan. Neither does Joey. We have to end this."

"And we will, but not at the risk of you or Joey getting hurt."

They argue some more on the topic, but Ryan finally changes the focus of the conversation and gets Claire to just talk. He feels like he's drowning on the sound of her voice, like she's still a ghost in his mind and it is all too surreal. And then there are agents in his sitting room telling Claire to wait in the bedroom because Carrie Cooke is here to see Ryan.

She tells him about the attack of Joe's followers to her guards and gives him a copy of the video the followers gave her. She looks honestly terrified and Ryan feels bad for her. Though not bad enough to repeat his drunken night with her, but she seems eager to try. There's hurt in her eyes when he dismisses her and he wonders how many other people he can hurt today. But he doesn't feel that way toward Carrie. She doesn't deserve to be bullied by Joe Carroll, but that doesn't mean he wants to hook up. He isn't even sure how he feels about Claire because now there's Mike and him and Mike just make so much sense, but there isn't even enough time to figure it all out. He pulls his hair and yells a bit in frustration and then Claire reappears in the room.

"Ryan?" she asks tentatively and he tells her about Joe's video, blaming his frustration on that. They watch it together and deduce Joe is going after the televangelist's son, Preston. Ryan texts Mike and Max to meet him outside just as Claire is gathering her coat and telling Ryan she is going with him. He tells her he will get her when the way is clear from her bodyguards and she seems satisfied. Great, more deception on his part.

He goes out to the sidewalk and tells Max to stay with Claire and make sure she doesn't leave.

"What, me? I've never even met her," his niece says.

"Introduce yourself," Ryan says shortly as he gets into the car with Mike.

The car ride is awkward, practically buzzing with the unsaid words between them.

"I want to explain about Claire," Mike says, finding his courage.

"You don't have to." Ryan keeps his eyes on the road.

"Well I want to. Above all else, Claire was thinking of the safety of Joey and I was sworn to protect that too. I would think of all people you would understand that. I wanted to tell you, all the time I wanted to."

"I understand that," Ryan says and Mike isn't sure which part it is that Ryan may understand.

"Ryan…"

"I got it, Mike. We're good." Ryan hasn't even looked at him and now Mike is just pissed.

"Do you, Ryan? Do you understand any of it, what it was like for me? I wanted to tell you and see you be happy again even if that happiness wasn't with me. But I couldn't. All I ever wanted was for…" Mike starts to choke up and looks out the window for a few moments. "…for you to be happy," he mutters, not looking at Ryan this time. There's so much else he wants to say and ask. Are they really still good? What does that even mean? Are they still…what it is they are? A couple? It doesn't seem like the right word for them. There's so much beneath the surface to talk about and Mike doesn't have a clue where to start.

There's always been this fear in him, since the first kiss they shared, that if Ryan found out Claire is still alive he wouldn't give Mike a second glance. And the thing is Mike would never blame Ryan for that. He wouldn't feel angry or betrayed because this is Claire, for God's sake. The love of Ryan's life. The beautiful woman with the beautiful eyes and smile that made Ryan Hardy legitimately happy, made him fall in love with a married woman…

But the thought that everything that has happened between him and Ryan could mean nothing to the other man seems impossible too. And he wants to ask and talk about it, but they're almost at the school and saving the lives of innocent people has and always will come first.

They're waiting at a red light before turning into the school now and Ryan finally looks at him.

"The fact that you care about my happiness, Mike, just further proves it."

"Proves what?"

"That I don't deserve you," Ryan says and Mike looks over at him. He is about to tell Ryan that is complete bullshit when the other man leans over across the seat and kisses him in a hard, desperate way that leaves Mike feeling breathless.

The light changes to green and Mike knows now isn't the time to ask, but he feels a bit better. He feels wanted.

They find the building Preston is supposed to be living in and instead find the place dark and eerie in its emptiness. When they find the trail of blood it becomes clear this is indeed the right place. And then they come across a room of people with masks glued to their faces and Mike shoots the one rushing at him. He's glad the one he shot was an actual follower of Joe's because wow, all they need now is to shoot students.

Ryan sees a flash of movement and is down the hall chasing after another follower before Mike even realizes what is happening. Mike stays with the students, calling for backup, but he doesn't hear anything from Ryan.

Moments later the FBI is here and someone is telling him to find Ryan. He calls his cellphone and Ryan picks up.

"Hey, where are you?"

"Tailing them…they've got to be going back to Joe."

"No, Ryan not alone. Just tell me wh—"

"Yeah, alone. I gotta do this, Mike. The boy could die."

"I'm sorry I lied to you," Mike says, desperation and fear mingling into his voice.

"This isn't about that," Ryan replies softly. "This is about me ending Joe. For all of us."

"Ryan, please wait and let me catch up with you. Just tell me where you are."

"Take care of Max and Claire," Ryan says.

"You can't just—Ryan, please wait...I love you, goddammit it all! I love you," Mike says in a rush. There's a few moments of silence before Ryan replies.

"…Bye Mike," comes the reply and Ryan sounds a bit choked, like he swallowed gravel.

"Ryan, don't!"

The connection ends and Mike is left listening to static and the frantic beats of his heart.


	7. Chapter 7: Scorched

_I love you._ The words echo in Ryan's mind like mist, swirling and elusive. _I love you,_ Mike had said, and Ryan told him goodbye. He told him bye, hung up, and threw the phone out the car window. He tries not to dwell on the words, on the way he probably hurt Mike because how could he not have in that moment.

He keeps his eyes focused on the road, tailing Joe's followers from a safe distance. He doesn't want to think about Mike's big blue eyes looking wounded, but the image haunts him all the same. It's not that he's afraid he doesn't love Mike back, but he's more afraid that he _does,_ and he wonders what the hell that actually even means. He should have told him, he should have just told him and given the kid that peace, but there's also the possibility that it could make the situation even worse. Like for the fact that Claire has magically come back from the dead…like the fact that Mike's already been a target of Joe's and Lily's and this could make it even worse if they want to get to Ryan.

Ryan wants to scream and drive into a tree just for the sake of doing so. He shakes his head and focuses back on following the cult members. One thing at a time.

Getting into Joe's camp wasn't exactly difficult. Nor was it to kill the guard and steal his robes. The easiness that Ryan has acquired when it comes to killing the bad guys is one of the reasons he drank so much. Then he got sober in order to do it better, and now he's trying to protect Mike from turning into this too…and the thing is Mike makes him better, makes him want to be better.

Ryan pushes the thoughts aside as he follows the other robed figures to the center of the camp where Joe is being given a hero's welcome of applause and chants of "praise Joe." The whole thing makes Ryan's stomach turn in hatred that tastes like bile.

And when he aims his gun, takes the shot at Joe and misses, he really starts to hate himself. It doesn't take too long for Joe's lackeys to find him in the woods, but once he hears Joe wants him alive he goes with them willingly, letting them think they have the upper hand.

While Ryan is getting captured, Mike and Max are working to try and figure out where Ryan is, or where Joe or Lily Gray is because finding someone right now would be great. Mike is staring at the files on his computer, not really looking at them. His mind is on Ryan and he's too worried about Ryan not getting killed to even feel hurt at the way Ryan just said goodbye to him and that was that. He's afraid of the conclusions his mind will draw if he thinks about it too long.

"How are you, Mike? Really?" Max asks and shakes Mike from his musings.

"It sucks, you know. But I'm dealing."

"This coffee sucks, give me a bit more," she says.

"I don't know what you want, Max," Mike says, and thinks that he just doesn't know what anyone wants anymore.

"Running from grief is never healthy."

"I'm not running from it. This is all a distraction. It's there, the pain is always there, but I have a job to do." Mike turns away from her and goes back to the files.

Max asks more questions and tries to tell him killing Lily Gray won't fix anything. He appreciates what she's trying to do, but the questions are also getting under his skin. Whatever it is she is asking for he can't seem to come up with the right answer, and he kind of just wants her to stop. They need to find Ryan and that's all that is occupying his thoughts for the moment.

And then Max phones rings and someone has a location on Lily Gray. They aren't at Lily's house for very long before they figure out she is going after Joe.

"Ryan might be there too," Max says and locks eyes with Mike.

"Let's go," Mike says, and rushes out the door with the FBI following after him.

Meanwhile Ryan is gaging Joe's stability and current state of mind. They're obsessed with each other still, that much is obvious. Joe calls Ryan "my friend" and Ryan thinks he might feel an actual twitch in his brain.

"I'm not your friend, Joe."

"You're my best friend, Ryan. You came all this way just to see me. I'm touched," Joe says with a smirk.

And then Joe has Preston kill the woman from the pit. Someone films the whole thing and Ryan figures they will probably send it to Preston's father. Joe's new religious aim is whacky even for him, and Ryan can see how Joe is starting to fall apart like he did before. Emma is yelling at Joe about suspicious vehicles outside the gates and how they have to leave now.

"I'd listen to her, Joe," Ryan says. "But you're too much of a shrewd narcissist for that, huh?"

"Real friends can speak the harshest of truths to each other," Joe replies, not looking fazed. The way they speak to each other has become an all too close reflection and Ryan wants to end this all so badly. When Joe brings up Claire, how he misses her, Ryan almost tells him she's alive just to spite him, but of course he would never give her up like that.

Finally Joe leaves and Ryan promises to see him at least one more time. The way Joe said his own time may be up kind of sticks in Ryan's mind. Joe's at the point where he knows he will get caught again and that kind of person has no inhibitions about their actions. It makes a person dangerous, or even more so in Joe's case.

Ryan waits a few moments and then he's throwing himself across the room to break the chair he's tied to. When he gets out of the room he is greeted by a parade of gunfire and dead bodies dressed in red standing out against the snow on the ground. He finds a gun and fires his way across to another building. The guys with the guns aren't Joe's or the FBI's so what the hell is going on?

And then he does hear the FBI and comes out of the room, hands in the air. They realize it's him and then Ryan sees Max running toward him. He hugs her tightly and wishes they would stop meeting after one of them has been in a near death situation.

"Lily's work," Max explains briefly.

"Shit, where's Mike?" Ryan asks and they look at each other. Max starts running down the path and Ryan follows. They both know who Mike is looking for.

And they find him standing over Lily Gray, pointing a gun at her while she kneels in the snow with her hands above her head.

"I will go to jail. I'll go easily," Lily says in that placating tone she so often uses.

"Mike, don't do this," Ryan says.

"Back off Ryan."

"You're better than this," Ryan pleads.

Lily looks up at him, tells Mike he is a good man.

"You're wrong Lily. I used to be. Not anymore."

"Mike, please. This is not you, this is me. Don't be me, please," Ryan says, and his tone is so sincere that Mike looks up at him with tears threatening to spill from his eyes. He is drowning in so much pain and confusion from everything. He starts to lower the gun, but then Lily looks at him with such contempt in her eyes and he feels the anger at having his father brutally taken from his resurface all over again.

"I know this isn't going to fix anything for me, but it will fix you," Mike says and pulls the trigger two times firing into Lily's chest. She falls back and Ryan rushes over to check her pulse. The blood from her chest bleeds out through her clothes and stains the snow red.

Ryan looks up into Mike's eyes and feels his heart break from the cold hollowness he sees there. There's a part of him that is glad Lily is dead, but Mike shouldn't have been the one to do this. Her sons are going to be coming for Mike now and in that moment Ryan swears on his life that he will protect Mike. He owes it to him. He owes Mike a life when this is over, after all.


	8. Chapter 8: Fading Embers

The FBI swarms them like vultures later with their endless questions. They ask each of them, Ryan, Mike, and Max to tell the story again but what happened to Lily Gray. They keep the story the same.

"I told you, Lily Gray had a gun and was aiming it toward me. She was about to fire when Agent Weston stopped her," Ryan tells the agents once more. The detective asks Max next and she says the events were too far out of her range of vision to properly see. Perhaps it would have been smarter if the FBI separated the three of them and then questioned them individually. Ryan is thankful for their lapse in smart choices at this moment because what the hell is he suppose to actually say to Mike? _Oh hey Mike, I really want to make the world right for you, but you kind of fucked up?_ Yeah, that would work well.

And then before Ryan can ask Mike if they can speak alone another agent is filling Ryan in on the poem Claire sent over Carrie Cooke's news station to Joe. Isn't that just the damn kicker to this day?

"You need to talk to her," the agent says to Ryan and he nods, but first he has to say _something_ to Mike.

"Hey." Ryan walks up to the younger man. "You should go home. Get some rest."

"I'm not going anywhere," Mike retorts, eyes still a little crazed.

"I know I have no right to tell you what you should or shouldn't do—"

"You're right, you don't," Mike says, and Ryan is getting a little annoyed at this point. The annoyance is only there to cover up the intense worry he has for this punk that has wormed his way into Ryan's heart, but it's easier to focus on being irritated instead.

"What would you have done," Mike starts to say. "If it was Joe Carroll, what would you have done?"

"Mike," Ryan says and shakes his head. "You're better than me." And there it is, the whole point to why he can't decide if he wants to keep Mike close or push him away. The selfish part of him knows what it wants, but now is not the time. It's starting to feel like there will never be time to sort out the incredibly screwed up soap opera of his life.

But Mike's eyes soften when Ryan looks back up at him and he looks human again, rather than a distraught animal in a trap.

"I'll walk out with you," Mike says, and Ryan nods and starts to walk out the door toward his car.

"What are you going to do?" Ryan asks.

"Go back with the FBI and see what details we can get. I'm sure we'll have something soon, so you might not have much time to talk to Claire. You should go now." Mike's jaw tightens when he says Claire's name and Ryan starts to laugh. Mike gives him a look between murderous and confusion.

"I'm sorry, I didn't…Mike, listen to me. I'm not, with Claire, it's not going to happen like that. Even if we end all this, I'm not…" Ryan struggles for the right words. _I'm not going to go back to the woman I loved more than anything because of you, because you happened to me._ It sounds too cliché and Ryan can't bring himself to actually say the words.

"You don't owe me anything. I don't need promises," Mike says and that crazed look is back in his eyes. Ryan doesn't know what else to do so he grabs Mike and hugs him tightly enough to hear Mike huff out a breathless reply. Ryan doesn't let go, and Mike finally hugs him back. Time seems to stop just for that one moment while they hold each other, and Ryan hopes that maybe Mike finally understands just how much he needs him. Ryan's always been better at actions then words. He pulls back slowly from Mike then takes the younger man's face in his hands and kisses him on the forehead. It's tender and ridiculous and makes Mike smile, so Ryan is okay with it.

When Ryan gets back to the apartment Claire greets him with determinism. She is all fire, desperate to catch Joe with her flames and put an end to him.

"His ego will demand it. He will have to see me," she says, eyes boring into Ryan's. "I want…I need this to be over, Ryan."

"I want the same thing, but you have to be safe, for Joey and for yourself," Ryan says, and Claire tries to argue again. She has a look in her eyes that Ryan knows means she is thinking of every possible way to get her plan to work. He knows she will be in good hands with the witness protection agents, but he still worries. That part of his heart can't help it.

"When this is over, I'll find you. I promise," he says, and he isn't sure what all he means by his words, other than finding her and assuring her she can live her life. Claire has a part of him no one can touch, but Mike does too now and it's all so strange.

"I have to go now." Ryan starts to turn away, but when he sees the broken look in Claire's eyes he gathers her close and hugs her tightly. And then she's leaning in closer, pupils blown wide and mouth slightly parted.

"Claire," Ryan says, gently pulling away. "I…I can't kiss you."

Claire looks at him for a moment before saying, "I figured that there…I mean, that you would have moved on." Her voice is soft, but there's a hurt in her eyes that Ryan hates.

"If I had known you were alive, it might be different, but I was never good for you anyway."

"Oh don't do that Ryan, I didn't mean it like that. You deserve happiness just as much as anyone. Just God please tell me it's not that horrible journalist," Claire says and Ryan has to laugh at that. He wants to tell her, she deserves to know, but the nervous fluttering around his heart is making it difficult. He inhales deeply before looking into her eyes.

"It's Mike." He says it simply, like he's saying the weather. Claire's eyes grow wide and she opens and closes her mouth a few times before coming up with words.

"That's…well, that's different," she says. Ryan inwardly agrees, but just smiles at her softly before leaving. It wasn't the worst reaction he could have gotten.

When Ryan gets back to Kingston's house Max and Mike are waiting for him. Something is up and no one seems to be able to pin down exactly what.

"Do you believe in God?" Kingston asks Ryan after the preacher has gone off on another rant about praying and making things better

"I believe in smarts, and right now you need to start acting like you have some," Ryan replies and tells Kingston he needs to stay in here with his wife and family rather than trying to go out and do something stupid. Kingston has already refused the FBI's security and is not on Ryan's good side. And then the phone in Kingston's hand rings and he disappears into the kitchen.

He won't tell them anything about the call. Mike, Ryan, and Max go outside to discuss options when a blonde woman from the crowd makes a scene by setting herself on fire after chanting the familiar words of "praise Joe." Ryan is getting really sick of hearing that phrase. The three of them run over to her, but her body is lost to the flames she inflicted upon herself. She's scorched, and Ryan thinks for a second that this is how things will always be…singed and pungent with the charred flesh of everyone around him…unless they stop this madness.

It turns out the madness is just going to continue because now Kingston has disappeared.

"What do you mean he's gone? Your job is to protect him not to lose him," Ryan says to Kingston's bodyguard.

"I put a tracker on him," the guard says, albeit reluctantly. It's clear he wants to do his job but is not so eager to share it with the FBI.

"C'mon," Ryan says to Mike after Max agrees to stay and watch the tracker to see where Joe's followers are taking the preacher.

They follow Max's instructions as Ryan drives and the silence between them is more comfortable than it has been since Mike killed Lily. Ryan wants to tell Mike about Claire…that he told her him and Mike are kind of thing. He thinks it might help the younger man feel more secure in their…whatever this thing is, relationship, Ryan supposes. It would be good to have something secure and real to hold onto in the midst of all of this, especially since Mike told Ryan he loved him and Ryan has yet to return the sentiment. But it takes him too long to decide if he should say something or not and now Max is telling them the followers have turned.

"Where they at, Max?"

"Blessed Saints Cathedral," she says.

"Oh that's not good," Mike responds and looks at Ryan. This is going to get ugly.

When they get there the place is locked down and a follower on the steps of the church warns them the whole place will blow if they try to barge in. Moments later she takes a gun to her own head and says, "we do not fear death" before pulling the trigger.

The FBI and local police arrive moments later and Ryan disappears around the corner.

"Ryan, where are you going?" Mike follows him.

"I need to get inside."

"SWAT team is on the way."

"Yeah, I hear them," Ryan says while looking around toward the back of the church where he finds a surprisingly unlocked way into the place. "You stay here and tell them I went in."

"Nice try," Mike says bolting past him. "Let's go."

Ryan follows and they creep in silently, guns out. They hear muffled voices coming from around the corner and flatten themselves against the corner of the wall. The voices fade away and when Ryan peeks around the corner he sees the tripwire the followers have planted. It must connect to whatever the woman on the steps meant when she said the place was wired to explode.

Ryan's phone rings and it's Max, telling him the church's communications have been shut down.

"Ok, we'll try and get it back online," Ryan tells her and starts down the hallway.

The two agents find a room with a computer that looks like it might be the right place to get the outside Internet and communications back up.

"Ryan, look at this," Mike says after getting something to come up on the computer's screen. "There's some kind of canisters on the security cameras."

"They're all around the perimeter. They must be laced with the explosives."

Mike clicks a few more things and then the screen switches to a camera in the church's main section where Joe is.

"Can you get sound?" Ryan asks and Mike makes it happen. They watch in silent horror as Joe speaks to the congregation while Kingston and Preston are on their knees facing each other. Ryan realizes Joe is doing what he had Preston do back at the camp. Kill or be killed. The hate building inside Ryan is getting worse. He loathes that Joe takes away the choices of other human beings, as if he is entitled to it just because he doesn't believe in God, unless that God is himself.

Kingston takes the choice away from Preston when he slits his own throat. The boy yells and runs over only to fall back on his knees beside his bloody father. Ryan's hand twitches toward his gun. He's almost tempted to run down the hallway and put a bullet between Joe's brain right now.

Instead he gets the FBI back on the phone and warns them about the explosives. He and Mike will try to unwire them all and then give the cops a chance to get in.

"Forget about the exploratory tour," Mike says when Ryan hangs up the phone. "We could end this now. You go in and I cover you. You take the shot and kill Joe." Mike's eyes are wild, a beautiful blue ocean that is lost in its own storm.

"And they trigger the explosives anyway?" He replies, desperately trying to get Mike to understand. "You need to stop this," he says in a whisper. "This isn't you, Mike."

"Ok. We do it your way," Mike says in an irritated voice and starts to walk out the door. Ryan stops him with a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't be this person. It will not end well for you, trust me."

"I won't do anything stupid. I promise," Mike says in a way that makes Ryan doubt his sincerity. His facial expression is cocky and Ryan wants to slap the arrogance out of him. Instead he grabs Mike by the lapels of his jacket and roughly shoves him against the wall.

"This ends now," Ryan growls, close enough that Mike can feel his hot breath on his face. "When this shit show is over, you're getting help. Until then, I really don't want to lose you, so you need to start thinking and not acting out of some newfound bloodlust. Understand?"

Mike gives Ryan a long, silent look before nodding briefly.

"Even if you did, lose me that is, you would still have Claire," Mike says in a voice so quiet that Ryan can barely understand him.

In response Ryan tugs Mike closer and kisses him fiercely and messily. There's tongue and teeth and it's riddled with desperation, but what else can he do?

"Yeah, well," Ryan mutters when he pulls away from Mike's now red pouted lips. "I kind of just want you, and if that's selfish then fine. But that's what I want."

Mike gives him a smile, a sincere Mike Weston smile that almost convinces Ryan that things will be all right.

That illusion is shattered into sharp, cutting pieces when Mike does indeed do something stupid that ends with him on his knees in front of Joe who is pointing a gun toward the young agent's head.

"Well, well, Mike Weston," Joe drawls. "Ryan Hardy must not be far behind."

Mike says nothing, inwardly cursing his own clumsiness at being heard in the hallway.

"Come out, come out, Ryan!" Joe chants, absolute glee in his accented voice. "Or else Mikey here dies."

"Then go ahead and do it, Joe. Just kill me," Mike taunts, and this earns him a good crack along the face from Joe. Mike spits the blood out of his mouth and continues his tirade against Joe, promising him that Ryan will kill him.

"Oh yes, I am sure Ryan will most assuredly risk your safety in order to kill me," Joe says, knowing all too well Ryan will play the hero or martyr before that happens.

"My patience is tried," Joe says, and Ryan starts to edge closer. "On the count of three Mikey here gets shot in the skull. Do you hear me Ryan?"

_Fuck you, Joe_ Ryan thinks as he walks closer, gun out and heart skipping beats from the desperation of the situation.

In one part of New York Ryan Hardy walks closer to Joe, mind whirling with deciding what to do. In another part Claire Matthews, who has given her witness protection agents the slip, is standing over the dead body of Emma who she has finally killed with her own hands. She doesn't regret it. At least not until two twin boys have appeared from the dark, gleeful at the sight of her. Well, one is gleeful and the other is huffing in anger over Emma's bleeding body.

And maybe this is the way the world ends, and none of them know. They are only aware of their own circumstances, but the world doesn't care. It doesn't care that Preston's father killed himself to save his son. It certainly didn't matter to Joe. And Joe, would he care that Emma, the woman behind the man as he called her, is lying dead, stabbed through the chest because of the woman he sent her after. And that woman, who has been through so much, the world doesn't care about her sacrifice and instead sends two delirious twins to cross her path when she deserves freedom.

The twins walk closer, arms outstretched.

Joe counts to three and there is the sound of gunfire.

Yes, this must be the way the world ends, with fiery pain that screams in agonized tones of black and blood as the embers of life fade.


End file.
